I don’t feel like this is written to me at all… it feels like someone has a template and forgot to personalize it.
- putting my name after “Hi” is the ONLY thing that feels like it’s about me
- “my name is Phil” ummm dude it says your name right next to your picture AND you signed it below.
- starting with “I’m reaching out to see if I can be an asset to your business at all?” isn’t actually a question PLUS how the *bleep* do I know?
- “your industry” says you’re too lazy to even figure out what industry I’m in.
- “(see recommendations in profile)” WAIT as your prospect it’s now my job to figure out if I buy what you sell and need what you do… I think NOT.
- … the third paragraph; I still have ABSOLULTY NO IDEA what we would be “discussing more” or how you’d be “a resource.”
- at the very bottom, you refer me to your website to look at “our process” but I absolutely no desire to click and only wonder why you’re sending me to a page labeled “customers.”
What might have worked?
Let’s connect!
Hi Lynn, I work specifically with people involved in sales improvement (primarily coaching and training) to bring on new high paying clients.
We say the process works organically. Sound interesting?
Let’s connect so you’ll start to see some customer specific ideas come across your feed.
~ Phil
Please note I made this UNDER your 300 available characters, 258 to be exact, in a connection request vs. using InMail.
If InMail is an option for you; I’d add a bit of the WHY behind calling the process working organically… but not the how you do it – save THAT for your conversation.